 Artist: Bernadette Curtin | I thought it was who I was. The very polite, good girl that bent herself inside out to be liked and approved of, particularly by anyone I perceived had authority over me. It was so much a part of me that I was totally lost in the belief of being good and wasn’t honest about how I was disempowering myself. |
I’d grown up believing that I was selfish if I didn’t comply with what others were asking of me. When every cell in my body was saying ‘NO’ to another person’s request, I would instead say ‘yes’, to be the good and caring person.
This negation of myself over the years caused deep sadness within, which I buried and didn’t deal with in a healthy way and as a result I turned it into anger and frustration towards myself. I was full of self-loathing.
However, in later years I began to react rather than burying the anger and resentment. I would get so incensed, frustrated, and angry with the other person for their behaviour towards me, never once considering that I was doing this to myself. In my reaction, the mess of complication I landed myself in as a result caused immense tension and angst for everyone involved.
Once it started to dawn on me that something was amiss in my interactions with people, I started to take more notice of what was happening and why. In one of those instances, I sensed that someone was being insincere with me, pretending to like and appreciate me. As I listened to the lies, I felt the insincerity, however, rather than saying what I really felt to say, I instead thanked the person for their kind words! WHAT was I thinking? I then stomped around the house being angry with myself for also lying! The thing is, I didn’t want to rock the boat, make us both feel uncomfortable and have that person react, or worse, not like me. It’s little wonder that I hated myself so much.
While aligned to the ‘being good’ way of behaving I had withdrawn from my true self, my power, and operating as a lesser being. Hence, when not coming from my truth and power, I manipulated others to have my needs met because I hadn’t considered that I could ask for what I wanted from a place of equality and empowerment.
When we believe that we must play the game of being good, we are disempowering ourselves. We are not connected to our truth, so we get walked on and disrespected, because we are disrespecting ourselves and making ourselves less.
I chose to disempower myself, hold back my truth and therefore live without my vibrancy and joy to ensure that people liked and approved of me. But I was lying to everyone, including myself, every moment of my life while I lived with this belief. To continue in this way meant that no one would ever know who I truly am, and worst of all, I would never truly know myself.
Why did I need to be good so others would like me?
Because I decided a long time ago that it was safer to be liked than to be true.
I made that decision when I was a small child, but that belief is no longer valid as an adult. It’s like the baby elephant that is tied to a small spike. As a baby it can’t pull the spike out, but as it grows up the elephant has the strength to move enormous weights and objects, however it still believes that when tied to that small spike it is restrained and can’t move.
I’d done that to myself by believing that I needed to continue to be good to be acceptable among my friends, family and work colleagues. My version of good was to always say, do and be what I thought others would be happy with so I’d not be rejected = not loved.
This belief is so debilitating. When we hold back truth from others, we are not only interfering with our own evolution but holding the other person back as well. No-one wins in this scenario. Operating from a false power base limits our connection to truth. This nice and good approach to life is disgustingly deceitful and hugely manipulative.
We get set up for it when we are little. Children are by nature very truthful, but that truth is generally not respected or appreciated by the adults the children are dependent upon for safety and love because it exposes the lies the adults have aligned to. The child develops the good way of being to not upset the caregiver (usually parents). The level of abuse from caregivers varies depending upon the family structure but most children suffer this to varying degrees.
If we continue this behaviour into adulthood, we are like the huge elephant tied to the tiny spike believing that it is still restrained. We are the same, stuck in the belief that we have to be good to be safe and loved. This is a hugely disempowering belief.
Through this I’ve learned an important life lesson; that I don’t need others to love me, and further, that it is my responsibility to love and empower myself.
Lynne P. Australia
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like to read:
Good Girl or Nice Girl
This negation of myself over the years caused deep sadness within, which I buried and didn’t deal with in a healthy way and as a result I turned it into anger and frustration towards myself. I was full of self-loathing.
However, in later years I began to react rather than burying the anger and resentment. I would get so incensed, frustrated, and angry with the other person for their behaviour towards me, never once considering that I was doing this to myself. In my reaction, the mess of complication I landed myself in as a result caused immense tension and angst for everyone involved.
Once it started to dawn on me that something was amiss in my interactions with people, I started to take more notice of what was happening and why. In one of those instances, I sensed that someone was being insincere with me, pretending to like and appreciate me. As I listened to the lies, I felt the insincerity, however, rather than saying what I really felt to say, I instead thanked the person for their kind words! WHAT was I thinking? I then stomped around the house being angry with myself for also lying! The thing is, I didn’t want to rock the boat, make us both feel uncomfortable and have that person react, or worse, not like me. It’s little wonder that I hated myself so much.
While aligned to the ‘being good’ way of behaving I had withdrawn from my true self, my power, and operating as a lesser being. Hence, when not coming from my truth and power, I manipulated others to have my needs met because I hadn’t considered that I could ask for what I wanted from a place of equality and empowerment.
When we believe that we must play the game of being good, we are disempowering ourselves. We are not connected to our truth, so we get walked on and disrespected, because we are disrespecting ourselves and making ourselves less.
I chose to disempower myself, hold back my truth and therefore live without my vibrancy and joy to ensure that people liked and approved of me. But I was lying to everyone, including myself, every moment of my life while I lived with this belief. To continue in this way meant that no one would ever know who I truly am, and worst of all, I would never truly know myself.
Why did I need to be good so others would like me?
Because I decided a long time ago that it was safer to be liked than to be true.
I made that decision when I was a small child, but that belief is no longer valid as an adult. It’s like the baby elephant that is tied to a small spike. As a baby it can’t pull the spike out, but as it grows up the elephant has the strength to move enormous weights and objects, however it still believes that when tied to that small spike it is restrained and can’t move.
I’d done that to myself by believing that I needed to continue to be good to be acceptable among my friends, family and work colleagues. My version of good was to always say, do and be what I thought others would be happy with so I’d not be rejected = not loved.
This belief is so debilitating. When we hold back truth from others, we are not only interfering with our own evolution but holding the other person back as well. No-one wins in this scenario. Operating from a false power base limits our connection to truth. This nice and good approach to life is disgustingly deceitful and hugely manipulative.
We get set up for it when we are little. Children are by nature very truthful, but that truth is generally not respected or appreciated by the adults the children are dependent upon for safety and love because it exposes the lies the adults have aligned to. The child develops the good way of being to not upset the caregiver (usually parents). The level of abuse from caregivers varies depending upon the family structure but most children suffer this to varying degrees.
If we continue this behaviour into adulthood, we are like the huge elephant tied to the tiny spike believing that it is still restrained. We are the same, stuck in the belief that we have to be good to be safe and loved. This is a hugely disempowering belief.
Through this I’ve learned an important life lesson; that I don’t need others to love me, and further, that it is my responsibility to love and empower myself.
Lynne P. Australia
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like to read:
Good Girl or Nice Girl