When I was 19 and 20 I felt like I was invincible – abundant with energy and passion. I thought I was going to live forever and nothing was going to get in my way. I was living for the experience of what I saw around me, I was reckless and did not really care for myself or for others. My recklessness led me to a bad car accident and a few other reality checks.
In my forties I regretted those choices. Having swung the pendulum too far each way I knew I was unbalanced, but by then I had developed some ideals and beliefs that kept me in deeply ingrained patterns. I knew that the philosophy I had as a young man was not going to serve me well as I got older.
I wanted a consistent philosophy I could run my life by that would give me peace with myself and with others.
Going over my past choices and regretting how I had wasted my youth kept me stuck in the same rut. I thought I was being honest and philosophical but really, I was still hanging on to the ideals and beliefs that were digging me deeper into the rut I was in.
I, like most people, was either in complete denial, or in self-judgment and beating myself up. Both brought up twisted memories of what actually happened and neither was honest, or responsible; and because of that I did not really learn from what my life experiences offered me.
I had no self-love and did not even know what self-care was, thinking a man had to be tough, unemotional, and unfeeling. I was disregarding of my own body and my own feelings; because of this I was so hard on myself it could be called psychological abuse. My physical and mental health was deteriorating and I looked and felt much older than I was.
Of course, I did not realise this at the time; it was not until I came to Universal Medicine that I decided it was time to take stock of my life, and I began to heal my past, both with healing sessions and the way I lived my life. I felt like the healings made a profound improvement to me physically as my body felt more natural and settled, but also my attitude towards myself improved. After the healings I felt great but if I went back into old patterns the effects wore off.
Serge Benhayon presented that the way you live can be either healing or harming to you and those around you. I certainly felt that he was living everything that he presented, which was a lot.
I began to take better care of myself with food, sleep, exercise and gentle breath meditation. This helped me deal with life in a more positive way; if I became angry or frustrated, I had enough love for myself to take responsibility for my choices and make my life in the quality I wanted to live.
It was not until I brought a level of self-love into my life that I was able to look back with honesty and see the truth of my choices. I realised how the self-judgment was a way of avoiding the truth, and that I had only scratched the surface of my dishonesty and irresponsibility.
I was looking at my behaviour with more awareness but I had my behaviour wrapped up as part of my identity and I did not know who I was without it. I could not shake the monkey off my back and break the patterns even though they were becoming clearer to me.
I thought that my behaviours were just who I was and that I was nothing more; doomed forever to keep in the same rut like it was my destiny. Self-care and healing got me this far but I realized I had to really love myself more in order to let go of old patterns. Through attending Universal Medicine presentations I was gradually able to make the distinction between who I was as a person and my choices, and that I was so much more than my faults. I could see my behaviour as something that was not natural for me but it was something I adopted and brought into my life, so I could equally take it out of my life and I would return to who I really was.
Taking stock of your life and choices is a healthy thing to do but you have to be very loving with yourself. If you are at all in self-judgment it does more harm than good.
By understanding my choices, why I made them, how they affected not only myself but others as well, I was able to dispel the energy I was in that was the root cause driving my behaviour.
I was empowered that I could make a fresh choice, without the baggage from the past.
That is not to deny or forget about the past, quite the opposite; you want to be really honest, but at the same time with love and understanding and not with judgment and regret.
Now if I stuff up and my life turns sour, I know not to regret but to bring some love to that area of my life and understand how and why I made my life that way, so that I learn from life rather than being the victim of the circumstances of my own creation.
Sometimes sadness comes up which I don’t want to feel; if I eat too much it dulls the sadness but it does not go away. I know I have to get honest and feel the sadness to clear it so I lie down and feel . . .
If I don’t get distracted, I can feel what is going on in my life currently that triggered the sadness and it passes. It passes so easily and I feel so much better afterwards, like a load has lifted, and I am able to see my life with a fresh outlook, empowered with the understanding and knowing that I won’t fall into that pattern again. I am amazed at how quickly it passes and how something so huge would pass so easily. I endured three days of misery trying to avoid feeling it when I could have cleared it on day one.
Now I look back on my life, I appreciate how far I have come and I count my blessings. I know where I have been but I don’t harp on it because I know where I am now and I know that where I am going is even more glorious.
Bernie C., Australia
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