 Artist: Bernadette Curtin | As a child I wanted to be the centre of attention, yet the truth was I actually had difficulty allowing myself to be seen. It felt unsafe and I kept part of me hidden in case I was seen to be not matching up to expectations – my expectations on myself or the expected code of behaviour depending on the situation or the people you were relating to. |
I felt it was arrogant to draw attention to oneself and to stand out, so I often hung back becoming more of an observer than a participator. I thought I was observing life, but I was actually judging everything, especially myself. I was in constant comparison and usually came up as being less and laid heavy judgment on myself. On occasion, when I was given permission to perform, I would put on a great show. And even when not on stage I was still playing a role by pleasing others or fitting into the accepted mould – still performing by hiding within the role I was playing.
Yet I had a desperate need to be seen which stemmed from the fact that I was not fully met as a child – not seen for who I truly was. I thought I had forgotten who I was and was looking to find Her outside myself. If I was doing something that I thought would not be approved of, I would do it in secret, in hiding. I oscillated between seeking recognition for what I deemed to be ‘good’ and hiding what was deemed to be ‘bad’. It was a fruitless game of Hide and Seek.
The need to hide came from a heavy expectation on myself to fit the picture of the ‘good’ girl’, the ‘perfect wife and mother’, the ‘excellent student’. I tried to hide if I felt that I might be caught not living up to these expectations – such a weighty imposition! Yet I hated being called a ‘good’ girl – “Go help your mother, there’s a good girl” would make me feel sick. “Do what you are told” made me want to rebel and the chore was done reluctantly and with bad grace.
I had a secret life, hidden from all – so I thought.
As a teenager, I would replay situations in my mind so that they had a better outcome. For example, if I had been ignored or not seen, I would fantasise that everyone noticed me. I would dream of going out with the boy next-door, or that I did something at school that was applauded, or that I did something that really shocked people and made them take notice of me and secretly admire me because I dared to be bad.
As a married woman, I hid behind my husband allowing him to be the spokesman for us. I felt a pressure from him to live up to his expectations of me as his wife. He bought me expensive clothes so I looked the part, I had a natural charm and grace which was approved of. With him, I felt safe from the sexual predators and only realised this security once we divorced, as suddenly I was ‘fair game’ and found it difficult to be so exposed. In my fifties and sixties, I felt a certain safety in the inevitable invisibility of the older woman no longer attracting the furtive or alluring glances of the male species.
Often, I would feel unable to express or be myself and was even apologetic for taking up space. I would contract thinking that people would not notice me if I crept around or made myself less.
Then I realised that I can’t actually hide, that everything is felt even if it is not seen. People sense what you are getting up to, for example, the food I put at the back of the fridge so no-one else would find it, had MINE imprinted on it.
I saw that when I contracted, I was not any less in view – in fact I was reflecting to others an image that I detested. I realised that self-doubt was a belief that was not real and I started to allow myself to receive compliments and appreciate myself more. That old sense of impoverished emptiness was being replaced with a connection to internal richness. This sense of richness rises from an eternal wellspring within and does not stem from anything we do or don’t do. Looking back at photos of myself I saw the beauty that emanated through me and it was hard to believe that I had once thought myself to be ugly and not worth anything – a ‘doormat personality’ as my sister once labelled me.
Having let go of this, I am letting go of the need to hide and am now starting to allow myself to be seen.
What is it I am allowing to be seen?
The performer is slipping away and I feel a greater ease with people as if I am standing between heaven and earth, naked in my essence. I feel an exquisite delicacy in my chest. As I am holding myself more tenderly the hardness is dissolving away, and I am connecting to the spaciousness within which is as limitless as the starry sky. In this state I am naturally transparent as I am in alignment with Soul, God, the Universe – with my true self. I am tasting intimacy within, no longer searching for favour from the special few by contorting myself to fit the picture fabricated for me by the model of society and my attachment to it.
When I connect to this spacious magnificence within, people notice there is something different about me. They are touched by this reflection of their own magnificence. Their body registers it and they often do a ‘double-take’, looking back to get confirmation of what they clocked. People may react or avoid me but often there will be that instant eternal moment of eye contact, or perhaps a smile or interchange of words.
So now, in my 70’s, I know I am not invisible. It’s so much easier to be out in the world and there is no longer a need to hide or withdraw. Less and less do I modify my behaviour to fit any ‘expected’ code of behaviour.
At a large gathering one evening, I had been dancing in a hot crowded room and felt drawn to go outside. I stood under the stars breathing in the fresh air feeling the space within as expansive as the heavens above. My body started moving and I allowed the movement to flow, feeling a gorgeous sense of being at one with God and the heavens. I did not care if anyone was watching or what they thought, nor was I looking to be seen. I was simply responding to the impulse and not hiding how I felt.
I am no longer apologising for taking up space. I am starting to let myself be, embrace who I am and walk in the authority of that – allowing my true self to be seen.
Sandra N. Australia.
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like to read:
From Choosing to be Invisible to Letting Myself be Seen
Yet I had a desperate need to be seen which stemmed from the fact that I was not fully met as a child – not seen for who I truly was. I thought I had forgotten who I was and was looking to find Her outside myself. If I was doing something that I thought would not be approved of, I would do it in secret, in hiding. I oscillated between seeking recognition for what I deemed to be ‘good’ and hiding what was deemed to be ‘bad’. It was a fruitless game of Hide and Seek.
The need to hide came from a heavy expectation on myself to fit the picture of the ‘good’ girl’, the ‘perfect wife and mother’, the ‘excellent student’. I tried to hide if I felt that I might be caught not living up to these expectations – such a weighty imposition! Yet I hated being called a ‘good’ girl – “Go help your mother, there’s a good girl” would make me feel sick. “Do what you are told” made me want to rebel and the chore was done reluctantly and with bad grace.
I had a secret life, hidden from all – so I thought.
As a teenager, I would replay situations in my mind so that they had a better outcome. For example, if I had been ignored or not seen, I would fantasise that everyone noticed me. I would dream of going out with the boy next-door, or that I did something at school that was applauded, or that I did something that really shocked people and made them take notice of me and secretly admire me because I dared to be bad.
As a married woman, I hid behind my husband allowing him to be the spokesman for us. I felt a pressure from him to live up to his expectations of me as his wife. He bought me expensive clothes so I looked the part, I had a natural charm and grace which was approved of. With him, I felt safe from the sexual predators and only realised this security once we divorced, as suddenly I was ‘fair game’ and found it difficult to be so exposed. In my fifties and sixties, I felt a certain safety in the inevitable invisibility of the older woman no longer attracting the furtive or alluring glances of the male species.
Often, I would feel unable to express or be myself and was even apologetic for taking up space. I would contract thinking that people would not notice me if I crept around or made myself less.
Then I realised that I can’t actually hide, that everything is felt even if it is not seen. People sense what you are getting up to, for example, the food I put at the back of the fridge so no-one else would find it, had MINE imprinted on it.
I saw that when I contracted, I was not any less in view – in fact I was reflecting to others an image that I detested. I realised that self-doubt was a belief that was not real and I started to allow myself to receive compliments and appreciate myself more. That old sense of impoverished emptiness was being replaced with a connection to internal richness. This sense of richness rises from an eternal wellspring within and does not stem from anything we do or don’t do. Looking back at photos of myself I saw the beauty that emanated through me and it was hard to believe that I had once thought myself to be ugly and not worth anything – a ‘doormat personality’ as my sister once labelled me.
Having let go of this, I am letting go of the need to hide and am now starting to allow myself to be seen.
What is it I am allowing to be seen?
The performer is slipping away and I feel a greater ease with people as if I am standing between heaven and earth, naked in my essence. I feel an exquisite delicacy in my chest. As I am holding myself more tenderly the hardness is dissolving away, and I am connecting to the spaciousness within which is as limitless as the starry sky. In this state I am naturally transparent as I am in alignment with Soul, God, the Universe – with my true self. I am tasting intimacy within, no longer searching for favour from the special few by contorting myself to fit the picture fabricated for me by the model of society and my attachment to it.
When I connect to this spacious magnificence within, people notice there is something different about me. They are touched by this reflection of their own magnificence. Their body registers it and they often do a ‘double-take’, looking back to get confirmation of what they clocked. People may react or avoid me but often there will be that instant eternal moment of eye contact, or perhaps a smile or interchange of words.
So now, in my 70’s, I know I am not invisible. It’s so much easier to be out in the world and there is no longer a need to hide or withdraw. Less and less do I modify my behaviour to fit any ‘expected’ code of behaviour.
At a large gathering one evening, I had been dancing in a hot crowded room and felt drawn to go outside. I stood under the stars breathing in the fresh air feeling the space within as expansive as the heavens above. My body started moving and I allowed the movement to flow, feeling a gorgeous sense of being at one with God and the heavens. I did not care if anyone was watching or what they thought, nor was I looking to be seen. I was simply responding to the impulse and not hiding how I felt.
I am no longer apologising for taking up space. I am starting to let myself be, embrace who I am and walk in the authority of that – allowing my true self to be seen.
Sandra N. Australia.
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like to read:
From Choosing to be Invisible to Letting Myself be Seen