 | I have joyfully watched my son and his partner bringing up their two children, and find delight in the way they all interact with one another. With the introduction of modern technology, it has given them freedom to explore life and not always be bogged down with the rigors of day-to-day living as my parents were. |
I have a memory of spending most of my time as a small child playing on my own. I had an elder brother with only a three-year gap between us, yet I was ignored, made invisible to him.
Most days I played outside alone. Was this an escape, a withdrawal from knowing and feeling something was not quite right, a form of protection? By keeping away and out of sight, being seen and not heard, I learnt to utilise my own resources and became a good girl, rather than the nuisance I had often been called.
There is no memory of ever being told I was good or bad but I do remember my mother would say, “I will tell your father when he comes in” but neither the good nor bad words of judgement were uttered.
My father was forever working, leaving little space for any interactive play, storytelling or communication. If he was out in the garden I would be there hanging about while he worked. My mother also worked 24/7 with little time for nurturing and caring for her small daughter.
My brother was the apple of my mother’s eye, he could do no wrong, this setting up a barrier between us that was never dismantled. He displayed a disregarding behaviour towards me and I am guessing my being a good girl inflamed an already developed sibling jealousy.
Mum’s way towards me highlighted my being the less favoured child and this pointed out an inequality. Being a good girl could have been my way to compensate for not having a recognised position within the family, thus igniting the early beginnings of feeling unworthy and never good enough.
Was my being quiet and suppressed a reaction to the world being lived in?
I was a neat and tidy little girl rarely getting dirty nor doing mischievous things. Was the child trying to be liked, accepted, and in a way trying to fit into the family unit by becoming a good girl?
As I grew older my bedroom was kept in order, I did what I was told, in many ways used like Cinderella in the fairy story. Always the good girl, forever pleasing, never rocking or over-turning the boat, as the saying goes.
I now recognize that this is what I did to feel safe in the environment my mother and father had forged, as they had followed in their parents’ footsteps and knew no different. Recognition or praise were never received and therefore never expected, and I now consider this to have been a blessing as it supported the relinquishing of the good girl identity.
From my experience, the good girl, bad girl syndrome led to behaviours that were not heart-felt, neither allowing ease or honesty, therefore causing undue suffering. It was an inauthentic way of being, it buried my true expression, leaving me feeling emotional, conflicted, lost and it kept me from any form of settlement.
My reaction was to hold back my true expression, not allowing the real me to shine forth. If upset or disturbed in any way I sought my own inner counsel, not about good nor bad, but a search to look and see what I had done that was considered incongruent and disharmonious.
I lived the good girl lie for a portion of my life, until old enough to renounce it and speak my truth.
This was all a long time ago and during the years I have healed past hurts and can now view my life from a place of detachment and truth.
This miracle happened when I realised that I was not here to be good nor to be liked but to be in the freedom to simply be, in the magic of who I am.
Avril McK., Australia
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New Life, Old Life
Most days I played outside alone. Was this an escape, a withdrawal from knowing and feeling something was not quite right, a form of protection? By keeping away and out of sight, being seen and not heard, I learnt to utilise my own resources and became a good girl, rather than the nuisance I had often been called.
There is no memory of ever being told I was good or bad but I do remember my mother would say, “I will tell your father when he comes in” but neither the good nor bad words of judgement were uttered.
My father was forever working, leaving little space for any interactive play, storytelling or communication. If he was out in the garden I would be there hanging about while he worked. My mother also worked 24/7 with little time for nurturing and caring for her small daughter.
My brother was the apple of my mother’s eye, he could do no wrong, this setting up a barrier between us that was never dismantled. He displayed a disregarding behaviour towards me and I am guessing my being a good girl inflamed an already developed sibling jealousy.
Mum’s way towards me highlighted my being the less favoured child and this pointed out an inequality. Being a good girl could have been my way to compensate for not having a recognised position within the family, thus igniting the early beginnings of feeling unworthy and never good enough.
Was my being quiet and suppressed a reaction to the world being lived in?
I was a neat and tidy little girl rarely getting dirty nor doing mischievous things. Was the child trying to be liked, accepted, and in a way trying to fit into the family unit by becoming a good girl?
As I grew older my bedroom was kept in order, I did what I was told, in many ways used like Cinderella in the fairy story. Always the good girl, forever pleasing, never rocking or over-turning the boat, as the saying goes.
I now recognize that this is what I did to feel safe in the environment my mother and father had forged, as they had followed in their parents’ footsteps and knew no different. Recognition or praise were never received and therefore never expected, and I now consider this to have been a blessing as it supported the relinquishing of the good girl identity.
From my experience, the good girl, bad girl syndrome led to behaviours that were not heart-felt, neither allowing ease or honesty, therefore causing undue suffering. It was an inauthentic way of being, it buried my true expression, leaving me feeling emotional, conflicted, lost and it kept me from any form of settlement.
My reaction was to hold back my true expression, not allowing the real me to shine forth. If upset or disturbed in any way I sought my own inner counsel, not about good nor bad, but a search to look and see what I had done that was considered incongruent and disharmonious.
I lived the good girl lie for a portion of my life, until old enough to renounce it and speak my truth.
This was all a long time ago and during the years I have healed past hurts and can now view my life from a place of detachment and truth.
This miracle happened when I realised that I was not here to be good nor to be liked but to be in the freedom to simply be, in the magic of who I am.
Avril McK., Australia
If you enjoyed this article you may also like to read:
New Life, Old Life