This morning I have woken with great joy in my heart, something that may be questioned by many, as three days ago my sister left this plane of life to begin another cycle in her return – a path that we follow as we evolve and unfold back to our essence. For the greater part of my adult life I have viewed death as the final moment, as the end of everything that we have experienced to this point.
The last time I visited my sister Jan, she was confined to her bed and I sensed that everything had changed for her. Her life had been so hard and the contrast that I felt when I saw her lying there looking so delicate and beautiful was something I will not forget. Her face looked very fragile and I could feel that she had let go of the ‘fight’ and accepted that death was not far away, and it felt like a surrender to the inevitable.
Some days on, I am now feeling a lot has been unfolding . . . death does not happen and that is the end of a life. That is the case for the person dying and for some of those who are left behind who may have feelings that arise to be released and healed for many months after. At times I am feeling a sense of heaviness in my body from not wanting to feel all the myriad of feelings that are coming up for me to heal.
In particular I am aware of the many missed opportunities – times when there was so much more to say and I held back.
In the past, there were many times when I wished that I had a closer and warmer relationship with my sister but I always felt that there was nothing I could do to change this.
However, in retrospect, our relationship had changed over the years. When I realised that my behavior was a major block – that I had allowed jealousy and comparison to consume me – there were some simple steps that I took to resolve my part. With humility, I approached my sister. Unsure of the outcome, I read out a piece that I had written – something that came from my heart and not my head.
This seemed to breach what felt like to me an enormous chasm that I had created by not allowing myself to share with her my innermost feelings.
Some may question my feelings of jealousy towards my sister when her life had been so hard? It began in my childhood when my sister (who was 9 years older) felt very close to my mother. I was not truly comfortable with the dynamics in the family – it was as though I needed to either side with my father or collude with my sister and mother. When I showed the sensitive side of myself I was immediately decried by both of them for showing my sensitivity and this hurt me to the core. It is only as an adult that I have come to understand what was taking place and the politics at play within the family.
I am blessed that I have found so much support in my life – a resource that is there for us all when we reach out beyond our own small world that can keep us locked up in our own thoughts and ponderings.
I was able to say to her that I realised that I was a part of the block – that I had for many years blamed her for our lack of an intimate relationship when all along I was responsible for the distance between us.
We are all equally responsible for each of our relationships and each has a part to play. We can contribute and heal past hurts or we can continue to be the victim.
I had an amazing opportunity presented to me when my sister was ill in hospital and we had a moment of deep connection when I stood and brushed her hair . . . a very intimate moment that has stayed with me until this day . . .
. . . a confirmation that when we allow the space for deeper healing we can truly meet one another and feel the expansion as we come together free of the past and awaiting the future to unfold.
Susan L., UK
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