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LONELINESS AND AGEING

1/9/2021

8 Comments

 
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October 1st is the International Day of Older Persons which provides the opportunity to highlight many aspects of life for the elderly members of the community. Of the more debilitating aspects of ageing, loneliness is often deemed to be the most detrimental to our health and wellbeing – our Topic of Conversation this month is Loneliness and Ageing.
For many, loneliness is a very real factor of our elder years, particularly where the number of relationships we’ve enjoyed throughout our lives begin to drop away and we start to notice that our social sphere is getting smaller.

If we’ve been in the workforce for most of our adult life, retirement can leave us feeling we have been set adrift with nothing solid to hold onto. This is particularly difficult if we’ve placed value on what we ‘do’ rather than who we are within. Without a sense of purpose outside of ‘doing’ this can be a very challenging time in many people’s lives.

So how do we avoid feelings of loneliness as we age? There are many activities open to us. For instance, we can join various community groups, art, craft, book clubs, bushwalking, sporting, and gardening clubs to name just a few. These can all be enjoyable pastimes and are great avenues to get us out and about to meet other people. The key here is perhaps ‘other people’.

On the Relationship page, Gayle has shared a segment from the book ‘A Book of Joy, lasting happiness in a changing world’  which offers, in the words of the Dalai Lama:
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“Sometimes I say that too much self-centeredness closes our inner door, and it becomes hard to communicate with other people. When we are concerned with the well-being of other human beings, that inner door opens, and we are able to communicate very easily with other people.”

Whether it is your personal journey or from what you have noticed happening for others in your community, we invite you our readers, to share your experience of Loneliness and Ageing.
8 Comments
Lynne Paull-McLeod
12/9/2021 06:50:39 am

My mother shared with me some years ago that she was feeling really lonely, even though my father was right there with her. I realised later that it was the effects of her withdrawal into dementia.

I was reminded of my own experience of loneliness many years prior. I was visiting my parents and became acutely aware of how lonely I felt in their home. I wanted/needed a deeper connection with them but couldn't somehow reach them on a level that was satisfying for me. I needed a depth of connection/love with and from them that they were unable to give me. This made me feel very sad.

However over time I realised that I didn't need my parents to give that love to me, that I in fact had that love within me and that I could connect to it and give it to myself. I came to realise that I am that love. This meant that I no longer needed anything from them which freed me up to be able to love them without needing anything in return.

I no longer felt lonely at their home because I brought the love with me.

Reply
Bernadette
12/9/2021 07:05:11 am

I don’t personally know any people who would say that they are lonely. I am inspired by ‘single’ friends in their elder years who share house with others. To do this successfully requires openness, acceptance, respect, understanding and love - what a recipe for success!
I have experienced loneliness, or feeling ‘alone’ as a younger woman when I felt overwhelmed with life, and thinking that I had to manage on my own. I could feel lonely in a crowded room, or with friends, a feeling of disconnection from myself and others. Loneliness is now only a memory. As I have come to live life with more connection to my body, with a deeper level of care and responsibility, this awareness has brought much settlement and allowed love to expand. Building a more loving relationship with myself affects my relationships with others. Loving relationships with our self or others are our lifeblood.

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Judy
12/9/2021 06:52:24 pm

Loneliness and isolation is a symptom of ageing and the statistics show the impact this has on health. But it doesn't just affect the elderly. I often felt lonely when I was younger and even in marriage because I hadn't learned to truly connect with my partner, nor he with me. There was a lot that was unspoken, a lot that wasn't expressed, and that created a sense of loneliness. We can isolate ourselves even in the company of others. I've noticed at other times when I've been working overly hard and feeling exhausted that I haven't reached out. A simple phone call is all it takes and it can immediately reconnect and energise you. However, our circle of connections gets smaller as we age and thus older people often rely on family members to give them a call. I noticed this with my mother as she got older. She relied so much on the phone as she became less mobile and she noted how she had fewer friends to telephone because they were dying off (her words!). I am blessed to have a community of loving and supportive friends around me with whom I can have enriching conversation as well as projects to keep me busy.

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Judy
12/9/2021 06:58:04 pm

I totally agree with Bernadette's comment, that building a loving relationship with oneself is the place to begin and it supports us to reach out and connect to others. We bring a fullness to our relationships when we have first built a loving relationship with ourselves.

Reply
Ingrid Langenbruch link
14/9/2021 04:29:10 am

I experienced the importance of reaching out and connecting with others when in my 60s I moved together with a friend to another area. Before the second Christmas in our new house my friend passed over. Although I knew people in the town I was not invited to any of the Christmas dinners or New Year gatherings and spent the whole festive season on my own. I felt lonely and thought 'What have I done moving away from all my friends? Nobody cares about me here.' And then I realised 'Did I invite anybody?' No I had not. The following Christmas I made sure I would not spend Christmas and New Year on my own again. I invited people over to my house for lunch or dinner and also got invited to a couple of dinners. Since I reached out and connected I meet and share meals regularly and haven't felt lonely since.

Reply
Ruth Anderssen
14/9/2021 07:24:52 am

It is important as we enter into our elder years to not fall 'victim' to loneliness. There is no blueprint on how to avoid loneliness other than to be aware of how we personally do contribute to it. We need to ask ourselves what is causing me to feel lonely and to be prepared to address any causes that may apply to the way you are living. In our elder years it is so easy to override the feelings of loneliness by saying that 'is just what happens when you get older'! It doesn't have to happen -- it is up to us to be honest with ourselves and feel into if we are actually contributing to 'loneliness' -- and then it is up to us to reach out to connect and communicate with others in a deep and loving way.
I just love the quote from the Dalai Lama: “Sometimes I say that too much self-centeredness closes our inner door, and it becomes hard to communicate with other people. When we are concerned with the well-being of other human beings, that inner door opens, and we are able to communicate very easily with other people.”
Yes, it is in our hands to open this inner door.

Reply
Sandra Newland
31/10/2021 07:06:47 am

This is a powerful message: that love is within us all and 'it is in our hands to open this inner door.'

I learnt this when my children went to live with their father after we separated. At first I missed them so much I shut off completely and I felt so lonely and separate from them. Then I realised that in avoiding the pain I was also cutting myself off from love. Gradually as I let myself feel the pain I started to connect with the love within and when I did this I could feel my connection with the children and I knew that love does not die and also that it is not personal.

Though my children were overseas, once I re-established my connection with them I did not feel so separate from them and they also felt that. Energetically, there is no distance between us.

Reply
Esther Auf der Maur
23/12/2021 06:37:08 am

Dear Lynne,
I love what you have shared here. When we put our needs and expectations on anybody, we give our power away, and we can only get disappointed, as it's not their job to give us what we think we need or want. That's why I so love the last sentence: "I no longer felt lonely at their home because I brought the love with me." And this others can feel, and then they can decide if they want to be part of that love. That's the beauty of growing within as we get older. We have access to immense wisdom deep within ourselves, once we stop the distractions and choose to connect to that inner knowing

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