Is it selfish to care for yourself?

26/10/2016

Do you find that the idea of caring for yourself first rarely enters your mind? Or perhaps you hear the voice that says others will think you are selfish or uncaring if you take care of yourself first!
It’s amazing how simply thinking about caring for ourselves can bring up so many uncomfortable feelings of guilt, shame or being judged, to name but a few.

Many of us have been brought up to believe that self care is selfish and that:

It is our role, or duty, to care for others and that we have to make sure others’ needs are met first.
We should sacrifice our needs for the sake of others because others deserve our care more than we do.
Self-care is an occasional treat, when everyone else has been taken care of.

Is it worth considering?
    Maybe, the truth of self-care is the opposite of what we have been raised to believe – that it is not an indulgence?
    It is actually selfish not to self care, and that by caring for ourselves we are much more able to care for others?
    If we choose the path of true self care we will find out just how tender, gentle and precious we innately are – a true honouring of being a Man or a Woman?
    That there is a relationship between self-care, health and wellbeing?

We invite your comments to start this conversation on:
Is it selfish to care for yourself?

Share with us just how your upbringing has influenced how you have or have not cared for yourself over the years. Have you considered that there are new choices that we can make to bring more self care into our lives?

Let the conversation begin . . .

14 Comments

Gayle Cue

14/9/2016 04:55:32 am

I spent all of my childhood and young adult years taking care of others needs above my own. I was often exhausted and sometimes even resentful. It wasn't until after my children left home and my husband had died that I realised I had a responsibility to take care of my self. A little late in the game to catch on to such an important fact! But better late than never, as they say. I've spent the last decade exploring what self care means to me. I look forward to hearing from others what self care means to them.

Evelyn wood

4/2/2018 04:06:36 pm

Test

Ingrid Langenbruch

24/9/2016 06:44:02 am

Self care beyond the basic hygiene and care was considered in my family as selfish, indulgent and a waste of time. It took me to develop breast cancer in my early 50s and needing care that I learned that selfceare and nurturing myself is a responsibility towards myself and others and is needed before I can really care for someone else.

Bernadette Curtin link

24/9/2016 06:47:32 am

Self-care was not a comfortable practice for me when I was introduced to the term, as it asked me to look at how lovingly did I talk to myself, appreciate myself, spend time with myself and look after the details of my health and well-being. My understanding of self-care is an ever expanding awareness of what this really means - a deepening connection to my sensitivity, delicateness and fragility, as well as my strengths, steadiness and willingness to learn new ways of being. Self-care brings more of me to everyone else.

Anne Barnes

2/10/2016 01:11:28 pm

It was the same for me Bernadette. As a child my mother taught me to consider others first and it was always implied that to spend too much time on myself was selfish. So ingrained was this belief that it took some time to accept that not only was it okay to self-care but it was a loving thing to do and if I could not care for myself then I could not truly care for another.

leigh matson

3/10/2016 05:07:41 pm

At the moment I am finding that when I put others needs first it doesn't work, as in it's like I construct what I think is needed of me. For example getting the prep for Monday finished at a certain time and this becomes my whole focus. My self-care goes out the window, I notice I end up rushing and being rough with my hands (catching myself on a knife three times in the space of two hours) and then the other parts of my job like being a part of the team, being friendly and polite to customers etc falters and lacks quality. But if I know the task I am asked for and then ask myself how I feel to do the task it completely changes and it doesn't feel like my focus or world is so narrow as it does when I make everything about the task first.

Jo Elmer

7/10/2016 03:38:52 am

Leigh, I am also finding that every thing flows better when I check in with my body first before doing things. I have also learned that when I keep a bit of awareness on myself instead of entirely forgetting me in what I do, as I have done most of my life, this gives me much more awareness so I am more capable and beneficial to be around.

LYNDA MARINELLI

6/10/2016 12:18:38 am

I enjoyed what is being shared here. I too had been taught to self love is selfish and I was constantly taking care of others before even considering myself. Therefore, even just to walk as an exercise of support for my body I was considering what I could be doing for others. So it took me to get to my later years before I realized I had best start taking care of me in the bigger picture. This change to self care continuously brings a joy to me which in turn is now felt by others.

Beverley Croft

19/10/2016 05:39:26 am

I was brought up to believe it was selfish to ever put myself first, self care did not come into being as a possibility. The responsibility was to care for those younger than me and later to care for one's parents when needed. The priority was for me to know my place in the world. But since I was introduced to the concept of true self care, and put it into practise, it is amazing the level of love that I have developed for myself and as a great bonus, I now have such a huge love for all others as well. I feel that I can support others far better now that I have a loving regard for myself.

Joan Calder

1/4/2017 05:51:52 pm

Beverley, your comment reminded me about how often I have met women of middle age who are "sandwiched" between teenage children who they are still trying to care for and elderly parents who need caring for, and very often these days attempting to claim some time and interest for themselves by re-training or going back to work. It seems to be assumed by many women, and society in general, that this is the woman's role. Mostly it is an inevitable circumstance because of the way our society has developed, and so in that case how can we change the way we deal with it? If we approach it as the martyr or victim we will feel the heavy burden of it, but if we can choose to claim those times for ourselves where we can begin to accept our vulnerability and fragility and be honest about what is going on without blame,and how we feel, then the self nourishing and self care can begin. It is often our attitude and the thoughts we feed ourselves that cause the most harm..

Roberta Himing link

23/10/2016 09:00:00 am

Due to a past propensity of being a seemingly 'good and doing' person, this behaviour has still been lurking around the perimeter of my being even until recently when in my lapse of truly being aware, I found myself back once again in the 'good and doing' to my own health detriment. I wonder why it is that some of us have a challenge in truly accepting self-care, self-love and choice to say 'no' in some circumstances that arise until some loving soul reminds us as to why we are fatigued and feeling a little off centre energetically. A great reminder I am finding is to check in to see whether I have dipped back into the cauldron of 'good and doing' and love myself enough to say 'no' to anything that smells of imposition.

Lucinda Bathurst

24/10/2016 04:05:43 pm

I can absolutely relate to this attitude of seeing self-care as selfish.
I grew up being a 'people pleaser', I thought this was my expression of love.
It was not until i took on a little too much and had 3 children in very close succession that i realised 'people pleasing' was no longer to work. I rapidly became resentful, overwhelmed and exhausted by trying to be superwoman for my young family. It was only when i began to be build more self love into my day that i found almost instantly that i was able to enjoy my life again.

Julie Matson

1/1/2017 07:00:28 pm

Growing up there were no living examples of people who cared for themselves, either family or friends, and as children we watch everything and everyone. So following suit self care for me was not even on the radar, and as far as I was concerned the hubby, the kids, then parents, dog, cat and hamsters came first. Taking time out for me always came with guilt and a feeling of being bad, even though my husband was willing to look after the children.

It wasn't until I started to look at my self care and the beliefs held around this subject that I could see that I had very little self worth, and that I was holding myself in self abuse, and that this was the example I was passing onto my daughters, no different than my own mother. I don't blame my mum because she had her own examples and I am pretty sure self care was not a topic of conversation within her household growing up.

These days I still find myself from time to time putting other people wants and desires ahead of what is true for me but I am quicker to recognise it and can feel it in my body if I try to please others for whatever reason.

Joan Calder

17/3/2017 07:54:32 am

Many many generations of woman have been told the same as we were, it is selfish to put oneself first. At last we are breaking out of this mould that has trapped us into a subservience rather than true service. True service is expressing and offering support to others from a life of respecting. honouring, and loving oneself first, and so able to respect, honour and love others without resentment, blame, exhaustion, or feelings of duty. The service is offered from an open heart, for the offering comes from a choice based on truth not from a rule or an empty feeling of being needed to fill it. This way the other feels equal and healing takes place. We are a new generation of women, especially many of us writing here, of older women, willing to live this way despite the old influences and being misunderstood by those around us.

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Is it selfish to care for yourself?

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