Do we need to take more responsibility in planning our own end of life decisions?

1/12/2016

After reading the latest article, Taking Responsibility for my End of Life Decisions in our Death and Dying page, we felt that this was a most important topic that needed to be shared on our Join a Conversation page. Is it important that we discuss with our families and friends how we want to be cared for when we can no longer care for ourselves? Is it also important that we make our wishes known how and where we want to be buried? These questions are just some that are designed to get us talking about whether we do have a responsibility to plan our end of life decisions.

Is it worth considering?

Through opening up the conversation, is it possible that we can start honouring the dying process so that it is not a taboo subject that makes everyone uncomfortable and reluctant to discuss it?
If you were in a position where you were no longer deemed able to make medical decisions for yourself due to dementia or cognitive impairment of some sort, do you want medicine to be used just to keep you alive or only to keep you comfortable?
These are important decisions, yet how many of us have taken the time to consider how we would like to be cared for, were we no longer capable of managing our own situation?
If we don’t make it our personal responsibility, are we being selfish to leave these decisions to our loved ones?

Please share your thoughts and opinions on a matter that can affect everyone regardless of age or of their health and well-being status

Let the conversation begin. . . .

11 Comments

Gayle

6/12/2016 08:17:26 am

I worked in a law office for several years so had the experience of seeing people come in to draw up a Will. The solicitor would mention the other documents to them. Many people did not know what the difference was between a Power of Attorney and an Enduring Guardian. Few even knew what an Advance Health Care Directive was. Once they realised the importance of these documents, most would go on to have them written as well, although a number of people did not because it was too difficult for them to deal with. At some point I decided that I should have these documents prepared for myself. That's when I began to see some of the difficulty. I asked a friend if she would be the Executor of my Will. She declined because she felt it might get messy and didn't want to deal with my adult children when the time came. I had to make other arrangements. Then I asked another friend if she would be my Enduring Guardian but much to my surprise she declined saying she wouldn't want the responsibility, she would find it too stressful. Again, I made other arrangements. But just imagine, if we don't sort these matters out while we are alive and well, what happens when we need these matters organised but no longer have the capacity to have them prepared OR what happens when we die without this business taken care of? That's when things become REALLY messy.

Anne McRitchie

21/12/2016 04:55:24 pm

Absolutely Gayle, we are never too young to start to consider our end of life documents and as you say, If . . . 'we die without this business taken care of. . . . that's when things become REALLY messy." Not only may things become messy, but if we are not able to speak for ourself in the event of an accident or sudden illness then we may not be cared for as we would wish or we may not die as we would wish.

Julie Matson

1/1/2017 07:17:57 pm

Personally I feel that it is our responsibility to have a say in what we want our funeral to look like and put our business in order prior to us passing over.

Having had two examples where one person made everything clear and was organised when it came to insurance policies, who to call with telephone numbers, email addresses and any business that needed to be dealt with that the family members had no knowledge of, is a huge help to those who are left with the responsibility of sorting everything out.

Then there was the other family member who refused to talk about death and dying and would have no part in any family discussions. Having been on the receiving end of both, I know which way I want to go when my time comes, and having a will is a great place to start.

Anne McRitchie

2/1/2017 02:21:38 pm

Agree Julie, taking responsibility for how we die and for what we leave behind is not only helpful for others who are left to sort out our affairs after we have departed. It also effects both how we pass over and what energy we leave behind, and what we leave behind is not truly left behind as it the energy is always with us.

Joan Christine Calder

26/2/2017 08:48:53 pm

A relative of mine is having great difficulties at the moment for although he arranged a legal document to take charge of choices about his wife's medical condition, he neglected to put one in place for her finances and estate. The result is he is in a terrible mess trying to sort out all her financial affairs as he is not allowed to access them, and it is taking him forever to find ways and means of working it all out. He is a very organised man and extremely practical, but in the stressful time of her dying and all the time it took caring for her and then driving to and from the hospital or the care home, he never thought of the period after her death. They were married so he imagined he would naturally have access to her assets and he did not investigate this before she died. It certainly is worthwhile setting up all our legal affairs well before they are needed.

Joan Christine Calder

26/2/2017 08:50:26 pm

Joan Calder

1/4/2017 05:32:56 pm

There are times when giving Power of Attorney can go wrong, and that is when the one to whom you have given the power is untrustworthy. I met a woman in hospital this week who told me that her son had stripped her of everything and was obviously basically expecting her to stay and die in hospital. She was nowhere near dying as yet, but had lost the will to live because she felt so helpless. I imagined there would be a way that some clause would be in place as a safeguard against this happening. I am just about to rearrange my will and set up power of attorney, I know I can trust those around me through having built a life of mutual trust and integrity, but how about those people who have for some reason not been able to do that, or are taken advantage of by a friend or relative who "appeared" trustworthy? In the case I mention I could feel how the way this lady related to the world had kept her separate from others; she was very private and when I asked her if she had friends who could help and did they know, she replied "One does not talk about things like that, no-one knows". So there are some people, especially the elderly who were brought up in a different era of manners and protocol, and the vulnerable who find it difficult to trust anyone, who need assistance from a reliable solicitor. How we have lived can impact on our choices in the present unless we have chosen to become conscious of the patterns and seek to change them.

Deidre Medbury

1/5/2017 07:21:34 pm

As well as the legal documentations that need to be attended to, I feel it is also a wise choice to let it be known of our personal wishes in regards to our passing over before the time is upon us and we may not be in a position to let those concerned know, for what may be of little significance to our family or friends may be of great importance to ourself and how is anyone to understand that if we don't take the self-responsibility in letting them know by expressing it very clearly in one form or another? Plus by doing this we are also taking into consideration everyone else involved.

Joan Calder link

1/6/2017 04:58:55 pm

I agree Deidre, letting others around you know what your wishes are is important and supportive for both yourself and them, everyone knows where they are and what is expected of them, and actually stating it for oneself brings a clarity that prepares us for the coming passing. What we want the quality of that dying process to be is of utmost importance, and we can state that by telling people and also writing it down. This way we are already living and expanding that quality in the present.

Joan Calder

1/7/2017 05:47:30 pm

I have just read an advertisement by the Co-op Estate Planning giving a list of myths that people believe about what happens automatically when someone close to you is dying or dies.
1. That they don't need Power of Attorney as mental incapacity only affects people who are old, and I'm not old!
2. If I suffer accident or illess my spouse, partner or children will automatically be able to take over the running of my affairs as next of kin.
3. I can simply add my spouse or children to my bank accounts, as joint account holder would just carry on as normal in the event of my mental capacity.
4. When creating a Lasting Power of Attorney it is best to appoint my spouse and children to act together jointly.
5. If anything happens to me and a decision needs to be made about life sustaining treatment, the Doctor will automatically follow the wishes of my next of kin.

None of these are true, and ignoring dealing with them causes many difficulties if the correct steps aren't taken to ensure legally that these transitions will be smooth and cause no more distress than is aalready being felt at the time.
It seems to me that many do take a lot for granted without finding out the facts of the Law. Is this because there is a reluctance to accept the actual fact of death and inability to accept that anything can happen to us at any time? There is a kind of comfort in not knowing., but It is our responsibility to make things clear legally, both for ourselves and our families, and all around us.
I also feel many of those who are low earners put it off because of the expense, they feel they just cannot afford it. Has anyone any information on schemes to help those people who do earn so not able to claim state help but not enough to feel they can outlay for a Solitior and the charges?

sue queenborough

24/12/2017 05:56:15 pm

Listening to a BBC radio 4 programme recently about our digital legacy - Have we thought about what will happen to our online accounts? A free template listed below - food for thought.....

https://digitallegacyassociation.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Digital-Legacy-Association-Social_Media_Will_Template.xlsx

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Do we need to take more responsibility in planning our own end of life decisions?

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