​Accepting Impermanence is the Nature of human Existence.

Accepting Impermanence is the Nature of human Existence.

31/8/2019

We might think that impermanence relates particularly to situations where we fear losing something or someone, eg. the death of a parent or partner, the end of a relationship or the loss of a job. It is, however, the nature of our whole human existence.

If we understood that everything in our existence is transitory then we would be able to accept that changes to the way we live and our relationships with family and friends will not remain fixed in any way. We would then be more open to accepting the changes that signal to us that impermanence is part of the natural flow of life.

But how often do we hear the saying, “I hate change . . . I wish things could always stay the same’!

When we are not willing to accept change, it may be that we are feeling anxious about the future, or that we are clinging to our need for stability and security.

Do we have an inbuilt trait to want to control life’s happenings?

Our topic of conversation for this month is an opportunity for our readers to comment on how we feel about the impermanence of life. We invite you to share your experiences of how impermanence has shaped the way you live, and how you have responded to changing circumstances in your life.

18 Comments

Anne Hart

1/9/2019 02:01:19 pm

This is a great topic. I have found change to be beneficial if embraced as it always teaches me something or opens the door for more. This has not always been the case. For example I stayed in relationship that was no longer serving either myself or my partner because I could not imagine a different future, and it definitely was not the pattern in my birth family. Inevitably the relationship did break down and separation was forced upon me. Although disruptive at the time, I can now unreservedly say once we separated we both started growing our lives.

Lynne Paull-McLeod

2/9/2019 04:10:33 am

I can relate to what you have shared here Anne. I was in and out of many relationships with men when I was younger and would always attempt to keep the relationship alive far longer than needed. I was reacting to what felt like the impermanence in life and that I was somehow failing at life because I couldn't make the relationship last or become permanent. After a number of years I began to realise that there was a lesson to learn in each of my relationships and once learned it was time to move on to the next one. When I met my husband I knew he was a person who was open to growing together and someone I could have that permanent relationship with however even in our relationship there's an impermanence. We are foreever deepening our connection with ourselves and each other so no day is the same now. We are always looking at new ways of being with ourselves and each other. The difference is that I now embrace the change and don't have that old need to keep things as they are to feel secure in the relationship.

Bernadette Curtin

3/9/2019 07:25:17 pm

Impermanence of relationships is probably one of the biggest challenges to accept, is it because we know there is a grieving process to follow, or regret ? It can also be that we are afraid of being on our own. This fear prevents us from taking the steps to move forward.

Annie Mack

15/10/2019 07:12:09 am

Thank you Bernie, yes it certainly was all of the above for me when I found myself in such a situation many many years ago. However there was another aspect and that was the absolute sheer terror of not knowing what the future held! It was crippling at the time, but more importantly where does this come from? What belief system has been installed in us on some level to feel this level of great angst?
When one looks at similar situations as an observer we realise that we are more than capable in every way of dealing with impermanence and in fact it is an opportunity to embrace and allow the next exciting adventure to present itself.

Lynne Paull-McLeod

29/10/2019 01:45:45 pm

Yes Bernie and Annie, I too can relate to what you are sharing here regarding those feelings that can sink us when a relationship ends, for whatever reason. The one that I found difficult was dealing with a sense of worthlessness when I was alone again after a relationship had ended. I used to gain my own sense of self vicariously via what others thought of me. When a relationship was going well I felt great about myself however if my partner had emotionally moved on or shut down or shut me out then I would lose all sense of who I was and feel terrible. I tried desperately to keep people happy by pleasing them and while ever I was able to 'jump through those hoops' and keep everyone happy I was OK, or so I thought. Realising how debilitating this was for me and everyone around me started me on the road to self-love and now years later I look back at those times and can feel the exhaustion and lack of confidence I struggled with. Allowing the natural ebb and flow of relationships can be really tough at times until we develop that inner acceptance.

Sandra Newland

6/9/2019 06:56:57 am

By not accepting that everything changes we tend to freeze-frame people so that we think they will behave the same as they used to. This does not allow them the grace or space to evolve and it may even encourage them to hold themselves back if we relate to them as the person we knew last month, yesterday, or even last minute. By allowing them space to be fresh and new every moment, we also free ourselves from imprisonment in a frozen mindset.

We are forever deepening our connection with ourselves and each other so no day is the same

Bernadette Curtin

6/9/2019 05:19:33 pm

Lovely wisdom here Sandra how we tend to ‘freeze-frame people’. I know that there have been times when I have put people in a box, and labelled them with particular traits. This keeps me in the past and unable to bring understanding and space to the present.

Gayle

9/9/2019 09:54:33 am

I've been pondering if impermanence is something that we grow more fond of as we age. As small children we like things to be super consistent - to the extent of reading the same bedtime story night after night. As teenagers, we hate changing schools or losing friends. Reflecting back on my own life, it seems that over the years accepting impermanence became easier with each new decade. And now, in my sixties, I love change. I don't even like sitting in the same chair from one meal to the next. This has led me to consider that accepting impermanence is part of the Grace of ageing that is bestowed through our divine source. It prepares us for the really big change when we let go of this life and this body.

Lynne Paull-McLeod

10/9/2019 05:40:55 am

Yes I think that's probably true Gayle. I've noticed that the more comfortable I am with myself the less I need things to be the same and the more open and accepting I am of change, within myself and the world around me. Over the past 20 years I have adopted techniques that have developed my inner connection so rather than constantly living in my head and thoughts I have more of a bodily awareness, feeling my way rather than thinking how to live. I'm not perfect at this however by living this way I have realised that I can 'observe' situations rather than get caught up in them. I don't need to hold onto time, things, people, or anything and can allow the natural flow which allows me to feel less stressed and worried about myself and the world. Particularly with all the weather events and world affairs, one can be quite concerned about where we are headed as a humanity. I've noticed though that the more attached I am to my life and the world being the same, there is more of a resistance in me to see and accept the impermanence of life. So I'm learning to let go, to allow the upheaval and accept that this impermanence is in fact the true cycle of life.

Sandra Lois Newland

10/9/2019 01:55:26 pm

Lynne, I feel you have offered a great point here when you say 'I'm learning to let go and accept that this impermanence is in fact the true cycle of life". Being able to let go of our attachment is the key to embracing impermanence. It's not so much about being comfortable with change as we can buy and sell, do a different holiday etc which might feel like change but it's not true change unless it is letting go of the underlying energy of desire which has us in its grip.

Lynne Paull-McLeod

12/9/2019 07:03:05 am

That's so true Sandra. I'm wrestling with that very desire at the moment in the process of looking for a house to purchase. I've been holding onto an image of how and where the house would be, how it would look because of my past experiences of life rather than embracing the impermanence and therefore being open to a wholly new and different experience of our home. There's a feeling of empowerment and expansion within as I let go and allow the process to unfold in it's natural flow. Letting go of needing to control this is scary but very liberating.

Sandra Lois Newland

14/9/2019 05:51:35 pm

Yes, it's weird how we feel we need to control things when if we just allow things to unfold it's amazing what can turn up and how beneficial the change can be once we let go.I went through a phase of doing affirmations where I ordered what I thought I wanted and it was uncanny how quickly it turned up but there was always something that wasn't right and I realised that I had very set pictures about things which were limiting what I received and keeping me stuck in the same old, same old.

Gayle

18/9/2019 11:40:01 am

Embracing impermanence as 'just' change allows us to move more fluidly through the cycles. Change is inevitable and therefore our acceptance of or surrender to change is necessary. We can fight it, sulk about it, or even get angry but it won't stop it so we may as well accept it, ride the winds of change and see where it takes you, It may just be somewhere even better!

Sandra Newland

20/9/2019 05:20:54 am

Yes, I like what you say here, Gayle – Riding the ‘winds of change’ … ‘allows us to move more fluidly through the cycles’. Change is inevitable, so why resist? It takes a lot of energy to resist change and such movements disturb the natural flow – we can’t receive what’s next if we don’t put down what we are carrying.

Gayle

20/9/2019 11:46:58 am

I get a newsletter from a nature based educator living and raising her family on a farm in the Northern Hemisphere. What she wrote in her September newsletter really reminded me of our topic of Impermanence so wanted to share it with the Joy of Ageing readers.

The Wisdom of Release
"As above so below; as within so without. As the universe so the soul."
- Hermes Trismegistus

We take so much pride in our bodies, our identities. But, at the cellular level, we are literally indistinguishable from the wild around us. It's really the story of ourselves that keeps us whole. This time of year, the narrative starts to break down a little. Leaves fall, darkness creeps in, the veil starts to thin. It's my favorite time of year for letting go, for release.

Even the things we hold most dear eventually fade into the soil. So I practice with my girls now - practice loosening our grips. We free milkweed seeds from their pods, walnuts from their hull, send the Sandhills off - we throw summer to the wind. I don't give them any heavy, philosophical talks on the fleeting, ephemeral nature of life, we just play.

Through play with nature, children can exist in perpetual relationship with the world around them. They can internalize these deep, meaningful concepts through their body - through their joy. And when those moments of loss come...the wisdom of release will already live inside their bones. Instilled not by fear, but instead by play - by connection.

We just have to loosen our own grip and allow those moments to unfold.

From Nicolette Sowder, founder and director of WilderChild.com

Rosemary Liebe

31/3/2020 10:40:07 am

Thank you so much Gayle, for sharing your friends newsletter, it was so beautiful to read. It opened a spaciousness within me where I could feel the knowingness of impermanence through play, as if I were the child exploring with the mother. How truly beautiful for a child to experience such joy in learning, and that through this play and loosening of grips, the wisdom of release is already living in the bones when moments of loss come. Growing up knowing that impermanence is intrinsically a part of life. I felt I have experienced and known this, if not as a child in this lifetime then perhaps in another, or perhaps it just stirred a deep longing within me that all children could grow and learn so freely, openly and lovingly through play.

Sandra Newland

22/9/2019 06:37:29 am

Children have an innate knowing of the 'Wisdom of Release' and it is great to encourage them to stay connected with that . Parents all too often feel that they have to teach children something when in fact we all can connect to the ageless wisdom. Nature is constantly reflecting to us that we are living in cycles and that the only constant in life is impermanence.

Rosemary Liebe

29/3/2020 08:07:43 pm

Thank you Gayle so much for sharing your friends newsletter, it was so beautiful to read, it opened a spaciousness within me where I could feel the knowingness of impermanence through play, as if I were the child exploring with the mother. How truly beautiful for a child to experience such joy in learning, and that through this play and loosening of grips the wisdom of release is already living in the bones when moments of loss come. Growing up knowing that impermanence is intrinsically a part of life. I felt I have experienced and known this, if not as a child in this lifetime then perhaps in another, or perhaps it just stirred a deep longing within me that all children could grow and learn so freely, openly and lovingly through play.

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