 | This story probably begins early in life, as a child, not feeling a part of whatever was happening, not belonging, even feeling like a stranger within my own family. In my teens, I was using dope and alcohol to dull the feeling of not belonging and the accompanying anxiousness. |
There were at least two occasions where I had panic attacks, seemingly unable to breathe, absolutely on my own, no one able to see what was happening, thinking I was going to die. Never considering why I experienced these ‘attacks’, I was just grateful when they eventually finished. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about what had happened, I certainly was not looking to get help.
Not asking for help is a choice that stayed with me for a long time, believing I could sort it out on my own.
Life was a struggle, difficult to get out of bed every morning, often late for school, doing enough to pass, getting in trouble at school and with the law. Always feeling alone, separate: the ease that other people had in being with one another eluded me and socialising was only possible if I was drunk or stoned. Although I had developed a sense of humour and could make others laugh, the feeling of being accepted was fleeting and when the laughter stopped I was back to being just me again. Herein lies the core of my problem; I was left with me again.
I have always had the thoughts, which I was convinced were my own, that I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not good enough, why bother, there is no point, hopelessness, etc. I know now that these thoughts were fed to me because of the energy I was choosing.
I wasn’t actually choosing to be miserable, I just wasn’t choosing to be the love that lies innately within me, so by default, I was choosing the only other energy source that was available to me, which comes as a binding subscription in which I got all sorts of thoughts, beliefs, and pictures of how this must be my lot. The logic was irrefutable, it must be true as this is what is happening and this is what my life looks like.
Once I finished school, I was working straight away, still living at home, though it does not feel correct to call it home – my older brother had moved out, my mum was dying, my father was having an affair with another woman, I couldn’t get along with my little sister – there was no love anywhere. Work allowed me to buy dope and alcohol more easily and so the numbing and false bravado was now financially secure. This became life for the next twenty or thirty years. Even though as I got older the scenery changed, living in Perth, Melbourne, Adelaide and eventually the Northern Rivers of NSW, my life was the same – I felt miserable and often did my best to make those around me feel the same.
The lowest point was feeling that the world was better off without me and although I never got to detailed planning, I was considering suicide as an option. I was almost 30 years old. The ‘binding subscription’ really peaked around this time with thoughts of how I was on my own, living alone, failed short term relationships, access to my daughter difficult, the stream about ‘not good enough’, ‘don’t deserve’, etc. supported how life looked; the logic was sound.
But the clear thoughts that the struggle would finish, I would go to some blissful place where there are no difficulties, was very tempting; the corrupting default energy was going all out. It was only because of the thought of how killing myself might affect my daughter that I am still here today.
Even through this suffering there was no thought of getting help. I decided to do it myself by searching for some truth in religion or some sort of healing modality. It quickly became apparent that there was no salvation with institutionalised religion. I looked at a few different ‘healing’ modalities and though there was always something missing, I stayed until I could find something that seemed to be more true – but there was always something not quite right. Now I understand that without feeling and understanding about energy, it is all incomplete, only fragments of the truth at best.
Not by accident, I came in contact with Universal Medicine and the presentations of Serge Benhayon, who has expanded on Einstein’s work that ‘everything is energy’ (E=MC2) and therefore ‘everything is because of energy’; the whole truth at last.
In the last seven or so years, after many presentations, workshops and retreats, the understanding is now something I live.
My thoughts are not my own, there is only one choice – I choose which energy I want to align to, thereafter the rest comes as a subscription that never ceases, the only question is, “Will it be the fire and love that is deep within me, or will it be separation and misery?” I gave the latter a good go and was lucky to survive.
Not asking for help is a choice that stayed with me for a long time, believing I could sort it out on my own.
Life was a struggle, difficult to get out of bed every morning, often late for school, doing enough to pass, getting in trouble at school and with the law. Always feeling alone, separate: the ease that other people had in being with one another eluded me and socialising was only possible if I was drunk or stoned. Although I had developed a sense of humour and could make others laugh, the feeling of being accepted was fleeting and when the laughter stopped I was back to being just me again. Herein lies the core of my problem; I was left with me again.
I have always had the thoughts, which I was convinced were my own, that I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not good enough, why bother, there is no point, hopelessness, etc. I know now that these thoughts were fed to me because of the energy I was choosing.
I wasn’t actually choosing to be miserable, I just wasn’t choosing to be the love that lies innately within me, so by default, I was choosing the only other energy source that was available to me, which comes as a binding subscription in which I got all sorts of thoughts, beliefs, and pictures of how this must be my lot. The logic was irrefutable, it must be true as this is what is happening and this is what my life looks like.
Once I finished school, I was working straight away, still living at home, though it does not feel correct to call it home – my older brother had moved out, my mum was dying, my father was having an affair with another woman, I couldn’t get along with my little sister – there was no love anywhere. Work allowed me to buy dope and alcohol more easily and so the numbing and false bravado was now financially secure. This became life for the next twenty or thirty years. Even though as I got older the scenery changed, living in Perth, Melbourne, Adelaide and eventually the Northern Rivers of NSW, my life was the same – I felt miserable and often did my best to make those around me feel the same.
The lowest point was feeling that the world was better off without me and although I never got to detailed planning, I was considering suicide as an option. I was almost 30 years old. The ‘binding subscription’ really peaked around this time with thoughts of how I was on my own, living alone, failed short term relationships, access to my daughter difficult, the stream about ‘not good enough’, ‘don’t deserve’, etc. supported how life looked; the logic was sound.
But the clear thoughts that the struggle would finish, I would go to some blissful place where there are no difficulties, was very tempting; the corrupting default energy was going all out. It was only because of the thought of how killing myself might affect my daughter that I am still here today.
Even through this suffering there was no thought of getting help. I decided to do it myself by searching for some truth in religion or some sort of healing modality. It quickly became apparent that there was no salvation with institutionalised religion. I looked at a few different ‘healing’ modalities and though there was always something missing, I stayed until I could find something that seemed to be more true – but there was always something not quite right. Now I understand that without feeling and understanding about energy, it is all incomplete, only fragments of the truth at best.
Not by accident, I came in contact with Universal Medicine and the presentations of Serge Benhayon, who has expanded on Einstein’s work that ‘everything is energy’ (E=MC2) and therefore ‘everything is because of energy’; the whole truth at last.
In the last seven or so years, after many presentations, workshops and retreats, the understanding is now something I live.
My thoughts are not my own, there is only one choice – I choose which energy I want to align to, thereafter the rest comes as a subscription that never ceases, the only question is, “Will it be the fire and love that is deep within me, or will it be separation and misery?” I gave the latter a good go and was lucky to survive.
 | So now, without perfection, more and more so, it is the choice of love that lies innately within me, and the understanding that we all have that same choice, if we so choose it. Mark P., Australia |