Artist: Bernadette Curtin | Last week I was unwell. I’m generally not at ease with being unwell and find it difficult to settle and surrender. However, being unwell often brings insights and a deepening as I connect with what is behind the particular illness or body discomfort I’m experiencing. This time the insight came to me when I was sharing with others a particular family dilemma I was facing. |
Both times when I mentioned this dilemma, my body immediately experienced extreme and uncomfortable symptoms. I realised I was releasing patterns of behaviour to do with family relationships and what we might call ‘family consciousness’.
A deep realisation was unfolding and the opportunity for a true healing was being offered.
To me, family consciousness represents all the ideals and beliefs we have around family; how we should be in relation to our family, how they should be towards each other, the expectations associated with our position or ‘title’ in the family, such as mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, and so on. These expectations can set us up so that family relationships become strategic and stifling, rather than based on a true love and acceptance of each other.
Family has been described as ‘domestic war’. This is a strong expression, and I needed to reflect deeply on it. I would never have thought to describe my family of origin as ‘war’ but, if I am honest, there was a constant state of tension between us all of the time. It certainly wasn’t peaceful, let alone harmonious. There were unspoken rivalries between us as children, competition, comparisons, little cliques and alignments, but no outright conflicts or fights. I realised war doesn’t have to be outright for it to be ‘war’.
I for one tolerated my siblings while secretly feeling lonely and without a true friend in such a big family, and I simply carried out what was expected of me as the eldest child. It was a set-up that gave me a false sense of identity and responsibility, and one that I appear to have embraced.
There are different threads that hold us in our families. It can be a (false) sense of belonging, identity, control, obligation, duty, cultural expectations, and so on. For each of us it can be something different. Families can be very close as well as the opposite, living their separate lives and having little contact with each other. To me, they are on the same continuum, although at opposite ends of the spectrum. Neither is better than the other and neither is founded in truth.
Family relationships can also become enmeshed, becoming overly involved in each other’s lives with unclear boundaries and false expectations based on the titles of mother, father, etc. and the other so-called ‘roles’ we hold in the family.
As I started to reflect on my relationship with the family I grew up in – my siblings – I realised that although I never felt like ‘one of the gang’ or particularly aligned to any one of them or they to me, I still regarded them as ‘mine’ in the sense that they were ‘my family’ and ‘my responsibility’. I realised it was a form of ownership; it was my investment, my donation, giving me a role and identity in the family, or so I thought. I have been letting go of these false ties for decades but have only in the past week seen deeper into what was going on – and it made me sick, figuratively and literally!
I have felt this same sense of responsibility in my relationship with my son and his family. And if I look further, I can see that at times I have also applied it to my friends as well as other people in different situations. This false responsibility feels an awful lot like an outplay of sympathy. It also means I have been very unclear about setting boundaries. It has been hard for me to say ‘no’, or ‘that’s not okay’ or ‘I want this, not that’ and other clear and claimed expressions that establish healthy and respectful boundaries.
I had persuaded myself that this false responsibility was a sense of custodianship, after all, these people have constellated in my life, and there has to be a reason for that. The truth is the ‘false responsibility’ was sneakily trying to find another word to justify what I (it) was doing. But if I check the meaning of ‘custodianship’, it is really no different to ‘responsibility’, in fact possibly worse as it implies guardianship, keeping an eye on others, defending and protecting them. It sounds a lot like ownership. So, who do I think I am and how many lifetimes have I been living in accord with this false belief and identification?!
We are constantly told we are not responsible for others, only for ourselves. And this is a truth.
I am not responsible for anyone – only myself. This is my life’s journey and no one else’s, as is their life their responsibility and no one else’s. We each have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, and our own path. We cannot be responsible for the choices or decisions that others make, nor can we determine or even judge the path that another is on.
By keeping an eye on other people’s needs I am in a constant (yet subtle) state of vigilance and sympathy. It sets me up to be easily distracted and keeps me disconnected from my inner presence and responsivity to purpose. We have a choice to live from our inner connection or be pulled around by the activity and momentum of the outer world. The former offers you a sense of settlement and space, the latter creates nervous tension, anxiety, unfocussed movement, compression, and agitation.
I was feeling giddy and starting to spin out.
What I became aware of, is how I have become an enabler for my son in certain areas of his life. Being an enabler, has kept us in a parent-child dynamic which is immensely unhealthy for both of us – and worse when I think about how old we both are! It keeps him from truly stepping up (in certain areas) and taking responsibility for himself because I have always been there as back up and the go-to person in those times of need. I did this from guilt, sympathy, and a false sense of responsibility/custodianship and he remained energetically and figuratively tied to me.
I could feel the compression of this pattern and it made me feel ill. ‘What’s going on?’ I said to myself. ‘Why am I feeling like this?’ I was nauseous and dizzy, feeling immense pressure and on the brink of doing something that was being asked of me, but which I didn’t want to do. The pattern between my son and myself was being exposed and it had to stop, but I was struggling to get clear about what was a true response to the situation. However, I did get clear.
Over the course of a few days, I had a frank and open conversation with him about what was going on for me and the pattern of our relationship that needed to change. I observed the change in him that unfolded as he stepped up into being the responsible adult person that he is, but which had been overshadowed by the pattern we had been in. We had been held in this very unhealthy dynamic and it was time to release it. I marvelled at how readily he responded to my setting a very clear boundary and it lifted him out of the diminished state he had allowed himself to be in.
It always surprises me how people respond to a clear and direct statement and how easily it can be delivered, if only we can get our anxiety and timidity out of the way.
When we speak from our authority without criticism or blame, we are heard.
I could feel how we both grew, and our relationship went to a new level. The conversations we had over the ensuing days were more intimate, spacious and joyful and the connection between us now feels more open and clear.
No doubt other things will come up in our relationship but establishing a clear boundary in relation to that particular pattern means a new platform and a new standard has been set.
I have found a new level of appreciation and enjoyment in relating to my son as adult to adult, without the compression of family ties and titles that made us ‘mother’ and ‘son’ and held us in that dynamic. I am able to appreciate him as a person and feel the beauty of him being free to be an adult, responsible for his own life without any ties between us.
The insight from my illness provided a beautiful opportunity for me to heal a long-held pattern of behaviour. As it freed me, it also freed him.
We have both been caught in the web of family consciousness and the expectations that go with that, and it feels spacious and freeing to let go of the sticky threads that have kept us from a true and loving, open and honest relationship.
Anonymous, Australia
If you enjoyed this article you may also like to read:
In Search of True Family
A deep realisation was unfolding and the opportunity for a true healing was being offered.
To me, family consciousness represents all the ideals and beliefs we have around family; how we should be in relation to our family, how they should be towards each other, the expectations associated with our position or ‘title’ in the family, such as mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, and so on. These expectations can set us up so that family relationships become strategic and stifling, rather than based on a true love and acceptance of each other.
Family has been described as ‘domestic war’. This is a strong expression, and I needed to reflect deeply on it. I would never have thought to describe my family of origin as ‘war’ but, if I am honest, there was a constant state of tension between us all of the time. It certainly wasn’t peaceful, let alone harmonious. There were unspoken rivalries between us as children, competition, comparisons, little cliques and alignments, but no outright conflicts or fights. I realised war doesn’t have to be outright for it to be ‘war’.
I for one tolerated my siblings while secretly feeling lonely and without a true friend in such a big family, and I simply carried out what was expected of me as the eldest child. It was a set-up that gave me a false sense of identity and responsibility, and one that I appear to have embraced.
There are different threads that hold us in our families. It can be a (false) sense of belonging, identity, control, obligation, duty, cultural expectations, and so on. For each of us it can be something different. Families can be very close as well as the opposite, living their separate lives and having little contact with each other. To me, they are on the same continuum, although at opposite ends of the spectrum. Neither is better than the other and neither is founded in truth.
Family relationships can also become enmeshed, becoming overly involved in each other’s lives with unclear boundaries and false expectations based on the titles of mother, father, etc. and the other so-called ‘roles’ we hold in the family.
As I started to reflect on my relationship with the family I grew up in – my siblings – I realised that although I never felt like ‘one of the gang’ or particularly aligned to any one of them or they to me, I still regarded them as ‘mine’ in the sense that they were ‘my family’ and ‘my responsibility’. I realised it was a form of ownership; it was my investment, my donation, giving me a role and identity in the family, or so I thought. I have been letting go of these false ties for decades but have only in the past week seen deeper into what was going on – and it made me sick, figuratively and literally!
I have felt this same sense of responsibility in my relationship with my son and his family. And if I look further, I can see that at times I have also applied it to my friends as well as other people in different situations. This false responsibility feels an awful lot like an outplay of sympathy. It also means I have been very unclear about setting boundaries. It has been hard for me to say ‘no’, or ‘that’s not okay’ or ‘I want this, not that’ and other clear and claimed expressions that establish healthy and respectful boundaries.
I had persuaded myself that this false responsibility was a sense of custodianship, after all, these people have constellated in my life, and there has to be a reason for that. The truth is the ‘false responsibility’ was sneakily trying to find another word to justify what I (it) was doing. But if I check the meaning of ‘custodianship’, it is really no different to ‘responsibility’, in fact possibly worse as it implies guardianship, keeping an eye on others, defending and protecting them. It sounds a lot like ownership. So, who do I think I am and how many lifetimes have I been living in accord with this false belief and identification?!
We are constantly told we are not responsible for others, only for ourselves. And this is a truth.
I am not responsible for anyone – only myself. This is my life’s journey and no one else’s, as is their life their responsibility and no one else’s. We each have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, and our own path. We cannot be responsible for the choices or decisions that others make, nor can we determine or even judge the path that another is on.
By keeping an eye on other people’s needs I am in a constant (yet subtle) state of vigilance and sympathy. It sets me up to be easily distracted and keeps me disconnected from my inner presence and responsivity to purpose. We have a choice to live from our inner connection or be pulled around by the activity and momentum of the outer world. The former offers you a sense of settlement and space, the latter creates nervous tension, anxiety, unfocussed movement, compression, and agitation.
I was feeling giddy and starting to spin out.
What I became aware of, is how I have become an enabler for my son in certain areas of his life. Being an enabler, has kept us in a parent-child dynamic which is immensely unhealthy for both of us – and worse when I think about how old we both are! It keeps him from truly stepping up (in certain areas) and taking responsibility for himself because I have always been there as back up and the go-to person in those times of need. I did this from guilt, sympathy, and a false sense of responsibility/custodianship and he remained energetically and figuratively tied to me.
I could feel the compression of this pattern and it made me feel ill. ‘What’s going on?’ I said to myself. ‘Why am I feeling like this?’ I was nauseous and dizzy, feeling immense pressure and on the brink of doing something that was being asked of me, but which I didn’t want to do. The pattern between my son and myself was being exposed and it had to stop, but I was struggling to get clear about what was a true response to the situation. However, I did get clear.
Over the course of a few days, I had a frank and open conversation with him about what was going on for me and the pattern of our relationship that needed to change. I observed the change in him that unfolded as he stepped up into being the responsible adult person that he is, but which had been overshadowed by the pattern we had been in. We had been held in this very unhealthy dynamic and it was time to release it. I marvelled at how readily he responded to my setting a very clear boundary and it lifted him out of the diminished state he had allowed himself to be in.
It always surprises me how people respond to a clear and direct statement and how easily it can be delivered, if only we can get our anxiety and timidity out of the way.
When we speak from our authority without criticism or blame, we are heard.
I could feel how we both grew, and our relationship went to a new level. The conversations we had over the ensuing days were more intimate, spacious and joyful and the connection between us now feels more open and clear.
No doubt other things will come up in our relationship but establishing a clear boundary in relation to that particular pattern means a new platform and a new standard has been set.
I have found a new level of appreciation and enjoyment in relating to my son as adult to adult, without the compression of family ties and titles that made us ‘mother’ and ‘son’ and held us in that dynamic. I am able to appreciate him as a person and feel the beauty of him being free to be an adult, responsible for his own life without any ties between us.
The insight from my illness provided a beautiful opportunity for me to heal a long-held pattern of behaviour. As it freed me, it also freed him.
We have both been caught in the web of family consciousness and the expectations that go with that, and it feels spacious and freeing to let go of the sticky threads that have kept us from a true and loving, open and honest relationship.
Anonymous, Australia
If you enjoyed this article you may also like to read:
In Search of True Family