"How did you do this?", and “How did you find such a beautiful man?”, was what many friends asked me. Honestly I wasn't busy looking for a relationship, and strange as it sounds, it just came to me. I am 61 years old and I really thought that I would never meet a man in this lifetime. I have had a few relationships in my life but they didn’t work out.
Somehow I have always chosen a man with whom I could not go deeper. I always felt, “No this is not the real one”, or they looked too much like my father or “with this one I would end up in a drug world”. Somehow I always listened to this little voice in me. It’s not all bad, as I have had some beautiful experiences with a friend, where there was an energetic attraction, but we lived in different countries and it could not last.
So, I never married, I didn’t last long in my relationships, and mostly they broke up in two years. I accepted that a lasting relationship with a man was not for me.
When I became older, I lost interest in finding a long-lasting relationship with a man. Deep inside I knew what I wanted, but I thought in this lifetime I needed to learn my lessons first.
Then my life changed. I came in contact with the loving teachings from Serge Benhayon, an Australian who comes every year to England. Listening to Serge’s presentations I could see that I was very hard on myself; I learnt to be more loving and to be more honest with myself and to accept myself as I am. I learnt to become more open and express what is really true and to stop playing games, and I learnt to take more responsibility in developing a loving relationship with myself.
‘If we don't love ourselves, how can we love others or allow ourselves to be loved by someone?’ Serge Benhayon
I found this to be so truthful as I could now see that I was always looking to love someone without loving myself first.
As a child, I was very aware of the horrible marriage my parents had and I told my sisters, “I never want to get married!” It scared me, seeing women so chained to their husbands, their role in the relationship was just to stay home to clean the house and take care of the kids. However, men had the freedom to go out when they pleased and without any consideration for their wives – they were happy as long as they knew she would be home cooking dinner for him. Fortunately, times have changed and there is now more equality in relationships and marriage.
Friends have often said, "Why don’t you look for an Internet date, you are still young?" But honestly, I didn't believe in it as I had always thought that the Internet is just for dating and not for a real relationship – and I have my wrinkles. I honestly thought I was too old for it!
One day I was working on my computer and a dating advertisement popped up. I thought, “How does this get here, where is it coming from?” but something in me said, "Go and have a look at it”. But my mind was saying, “No you have no time for this, you’re hardly at home, you are always working”. Still something in me kept saying, “Go there!” And so I did, but very carefully! I told myself if it was a free dating site, I won’t do it, but this site was a paying one and it was for people aged 50+
I was sitting there, on the one hand not sure whether to do it and on the other hand (which was very strange), I had to do it. It was as if somehow somebody wanted me to do it. I registered myself, uploaded a photo and paid the fee. I even remember I got very warm and was a bit tense, and a little voice came, "Oh my God what have I done, no man is going to like me at my age."
On one side, my mind went cuckoo if I listened to it, but on the other side when I felt into my body, I felt a stillness, an acceptance. My mind was playing a game again and I decided not to listen to it, I was just watching it.
There were many questions to be filled in. Those I skipped as it was too much for me, and I told myself that I would answer those questions next time, that I had made a good start and that tomorrow I would finish it, and then went on with my work.
The next day I could not believe seeing so many responses from men. I was shocked to see so many men looking lost and lonely and sadly longing for a woman. The way they wrote what they wanted in a relationship, they already had a picture of how a relationship should look like – going out, dining, going to the pub, taking holidays together and drinking wine by candle light. One man wanted to meet me and have a coffee with me. I asked him if tea would be okay. Within half an hour he started to tell me how lovely I was and that he could fall in love with me. He felt so overwhelming and not really open and I could not feel him. But I stayed friendly and told him, “You can find a woman if you are honest and just be yourself” etc. It was all on the surface.
I went on looking at the photos and there was one man who had a lightning energy coming out of his picture – I had no intention of writing, but was just watching. Then I saw that he had written something about his three kids, that he loves them but did not own them. That was truthfully sad. Then after two days he contacted me and we had a beautiful honesty from the start – a simple conversation in a very relaxed way.
The first click was there and we agreed to a date in a park and to have tea in a teahouse. I didn't have any expectations, I just went there for a talk. Then I saw him and when we shook hands, something fell from my shoulders. “This man I can trust” was what happened inside my head. We had such an easy and relaxed conversation. I could stay with myself and not pretend to be more, and I said straight away, “I am not a woman who likes to hang out in a pub, I am not an outgoing type” etc.
We liked each other straight away and had a long talk and I shared with him that it was important for me to have no expectations but just to be honest and not play games. He became more open to me and afterwards we had a very nice dinner together. Next day I told him that I was going to a singing workshop with Chris James which I was helping to organise, and asked him if he would like to come too.
He did come and in front of everyone he held my hand and sang to me with all his love. I was totally overwhelmed and could not believe what was happening to me and with us. It went so fast, and it felt as if we already knew each other. He also connected very easily with all my friends.
The point is we didn't create any pictures of how it could be. We just stayed in the moment, being open to what unfolded. Two dates in two days and it was settled. We took it slowly to learn about each other and get closer; we were in love but we took all the time we needed before we made love.
The first few sleeping dates, we just held each other, melting in each other’s arms, it was so beautiful. The intimacy that we had became so beautiful and strong. In my relationships before it was always the sex that came first, but here we didn't think about it. We were listening to our bodies. They were feeling each other and were so happy to meet, to melt and to heal and so playfully and easily accepting of each other, letting each other in. It felt like coming home from a very, very long journey and that we had finally found each other … again.
For all the 50/60/70+ women – we think that all the juiciness is gone when we come into menopause. I was also thinking that maybe I am a dry plum! But this is not true, when love is real, we are very juicy! It is the meeting between the bodies who first need to melt to become one.
We are not like when we are in our twenties. Thinking that I am too old or I have too many wrinkles are all excuses for not really going for it in a relationship, and there are many men who would like to learn to be loved.
It is so beautiful to find a partner with whom you can share, be with, nursing and supporting each other, having trust and feeling safe. It helps me to melt deeper and to feel my femininity having a real man who takes care of me and who is open to me and who is going with me, together on the journey . . .
To learn more about a real, truthful relationship is so healing.
Yvonne C., Holland