I would not have described myself as an anxious person, as I thought it was a condition manifesting obvious physical symptoms such as nervous or rushed speech, a worried face, obsessive compulsive behaviour. However, looking more deeply into this word, I now realise that a calm exterior can mask anxiousness very deceptively.
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Anxiousness – from the Latin anxius (from angere ‘to choke)
Anxious – feeling or showing worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. (Oxford English Dictionary)
Where does anxiousness begin? Is it really a global pandemic?
It could be said that life is set up to make us anxious.
As a young child, the eldest of six children, I often felt responsible for my siblings when we were outside playing. I took on the role as I felt my mother’s anxiousness. I took on chores and tasks to help her manage at home.
In primary school, a small Catholic country school, I felt anxious every day, wondering if today would be another day when the teacher exploded in anger. Usually it was the children in her care in the orphanage who were the object of her derision or punishment and this did not make it better for the rest of us. It seemed imperative to ‘get it right’ and I was afraid of being left behind.
At age twelve I was sent to boarding school as there was no secondary school close by. I felt desolate and lonely to be separated from my family. There was nobody to talk to about this amongst the adults, and I was not able to confide my feelings of sadness and loneliness to my friends. It was a case of ‘deal with it yourself, you are on your own here’.
My experience is not uncommon, and there is still a long way to go to bring true love and care into education. My educational experience did not set me up to be a confident person in the world when I left school, once again on my own in a city and faced with study, transport, cooking, sharing house, a limited budget, and a social life all to be managed. Looks can be deceptive. I was looking great on the outside. My life looked successful and in many ways it was. However looking back I can see how I was burying anxiousness in order to get by.
Managing on a shoestring budget was often difficult and I was constantly gauging how to stay safe and liked. My relationships with men were often volatile and fractious due to my lack of self worth. I would use food to dull or make me racy when feeling stressed. Often my coping strategies became unstuck and severe migraine headaches would take me out when I became too overwhelmed with stress.
I worried about what was ahead that I did not feel equipped to deal with, and low-grade anxiety became a daily companion. It was tiring and it undermined the joy that was possible in day-to-day life.
Anxious thoughts became such a pattern that if there was not something to worry about I would anticipate situations or conversations in my mind. The players in my imaginary scenarios did not need to be present in my day; they were actors in my created dramas.
We carry images of what we would like life to be. Ideals of justice and fairness are all well and good but they can lead to big frustration when the world doesn’t meet our expectations. It can be challenging to confront entrenched ways of protecting ourselves from being hurt, but I knew it was time to let go of these old exhausting pixies.
As I learn to live with greater acceptance of my sensitivity, and to appreciate it as a strength not a weakness, I am more able to feel what is really going on, to manage my reactions, and to more readily accept the world the way it is - to observe and not absorb. It is becoming easier to catch the worrying thoughts, and to know it is not me but an energy that I have allowed into my consciousness.
It is my responsibility to take care of my health and well-being.
What supports me now?
All these activities support me to move beyond the choking collar of anxiousness so that I can enjoy more vitality, trust, expansiveness and harmony in my body. Looking after my body, seeing a doctor if symptoms persist, eating healthy foods, listening to my body when it is tired instead of overriding it, letting go of needing to control situations, are all choices I can make.
We are all equally tender, delicate and sensitive souls, and when we treat ourselves as such, our body says “Thank you!”
Bernadette C., Australia
'You may like to try this beautiful and simple 5 minute meditation’:
http://www.unimedliving.com/meditation/free/meditation-for-anxiety-and-stress/beating-anxiety-gentle-breath-meditation.html
Anxious – feeling or showing worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. (Oxford English Dictionary)
Where does anxiousness begin? Is it really a global pandemic?
It could be said that life is set up to make us anxious.
As a young child, the eldest of six children, I often felt responsible for my siblings when we were outside playing. I took on the role as I felt my mother’s anxiousness. I took on chores and tasks to help her manage at home.
In primary school, a small Catholic country school, I felt anxious every day, wondering if today would be another day when the teacher exploded in anger. Usually it was the children in her care in the orphanage who were the object of her derision or punishment and this did not make it better for the rest of us. It seemed imperative to ‘get it right’ and I was afraid of being left behind.
At age twelve I was sent to boarding school as there was no secondary school close by. I felt desolate and lonely to be separated from my family. There was nobody to talk to about this amongst the adults, and I was not able to confide my feelings of sadness and loneliness to my friends. It was a case of ‘deal with it yourself, you are on your own here’.
My experience is not uncommon, and there is still a long way to go to bring true love and care into education. My educational experience did not set me up to be a confident person in the world when I left school, once again on my own in a city and faced with study, transport, cooking, sharing house, a limited budget, and a social life all to be managed. Looks can be deceptive. I was looking great on the outside. My life looked successful and in many ways it was. However looking back I can see how I was burying anxiousness in order to get by.
Managing on a shoestring budget was often difficult and I was constantly gauging how to stay safe and liked. My relationships with men were often volatile and fractious due to my lack of self worth. I would use food to dull or make me racy when feeling stressed. Often my coping strategies became unstuck and severe migraine headaches would take me out when I became too overwhelmed with stress.
I worried about what was ahead that I did not feel equipped to deal with, and low-grade anxiety became a daily companion. It was tiring and it undermined the joy that was possible in day-to-day life.
Anxious thoughts became such a pattern that if there was not something to worry about I would anticipate situations or conversations in my mind. The players in my imaginary scenarios did not need to be present in my day; they were actors in my created dramas.
We carry images of what we would like life to be. Ideals of justice and fairness are all well and good but they can lead to big frustration when the world doesn’t meet our expectations. It can be challenging to confront entrenched ways of protecting ourselves from being hurt, but I knew it was time to let go of these old exhausting pixies.
As I learn to live with greater acceptance of my sensitivity, and to appreciate it as a strength not a weakness, I am more able to feel what is really going on, to manage my reactions, and to more readily accept the world the way it is - to observe and not absorb. It is becoming easier to catch the worrying thoughts, and to know it is not me but an energy that I have allowed into my consciousness.
It is my responsibility to take care of my health and well-being.
What supports me now?
- Meditation,
- Walking,
- Esoteric yoga,
- Eating light to be light
- And all my movements when I connect to my delicateness, tenderness and fragility.
- Appreciation – the best antidote to nervous tension.
All these activities support me to move beyond the choking collar of anxiousness so that I can enjoy more vitality, trust, expansiveness and harmony in my body. Looking after my body, seeing a doctor if symptoms persist, eating healthy foods, listening to my body when it is tired instead of overriding it, letting go of needing to control situations, are all choices I can make.
We are all equally tender, delicate and sensitive souls, and when we treat ourselves as such, our body says “Thank you!”
Bernadette C., Australia
'You may like to try this beautiful and simple 5 minute meditation’:
http://www.unimedliving.com/meditation/free/meditation-for-anxiety-and-stress/beating-anxiety-gentle-breath-meditation.html